A Chinese lesbian viewpoint on Marriage

‘I will never get married.’ Miss Ye said, ‘neither with a man nor with a woman.’

Although Miss Ye is an active supporter of legalising gay marriage, when talking about herself she shows a strong aversion to the idea of getting married.

‘I support gay marriage because I think it’s our right to get married if we want to. It is unfair if we are not allowed to do it but for me, I hate marriage. There are plenty of horrible stories about marriage and I don’t want to be one of them.’

For her, marriage is nothing but a law contract which connects two individuals into a lawful and economic community. However, this bond will not improve the relationship between them. Instead, it can cause a series of problems when the relationship finally breaks down.

‘I know it may sound pessimistic but it is what I think. An exclusive relationship can barely be lifelong. You shouldn’t feel guilty of falling in love with someone else just because they are already in a relationship.’

She also explained, ‘ you're not guilty if you're gay or lesbian. They are all the same to me.’ Miss Ye realised that she was a lesbian when she went to college. After being single and self-doubting for 18 years, the new environment clarified the concept of homosexuality for her. She was learning who she was and enjoyed hanging out with the LGBT community. Soon she met a girl and ‘one thing led to another’.

‘I thought that would be a really great relationship, but we broke up soon. Then I met someone else, we broke up, I met someone else... The same thing happened again and again, and one day I realised it was just like some kind of permutation. So it came to me that if maintaining an exclusive relationship was too difficult, how could a marriage help? I only need more time, attention and fortune than a simple relationship.’

Still, she admitted that it was not a mainstream viewpoint neither for gay nor straight people. For the Chinese majority, marriage usually is an essential part of life. This idea roots in their minds so strongly that sometimes it might lead to weird comments.

‘When I came out to my parents eight years ago, they totally panicked.’ Ye recalled ‘my mother could hardly breath and my father just kept asking how and why. But when they finally calmed down, the first thing that came up to their minds was ‘how can you get married if you are a lesbian?" A week later, they informed me that they didn’t mind if I had sex with a boy or a girl, but I must get married. If I can legally marry a girl, that’s ok, but if not, I must marry a boy. When they say MUST with that tone, it really means something.’

However, after eight years, she is still single now. Conflicts and arguments still take place again and again around this topic, but her parents are not as stressed as they used to be. "It made me feel so guilty when I heard my parents saying "we don’t care if you are straight or not, all we want is your happiness! How could you be happy without a marriage?’ Yet, after all these years, I have begun to tell myself that if my parents only want me to be happy, they should be satisfied that I am happy now. I won’t be happy if I marry someone. I am totally sure about that."

In her opinion, it is harder for people to fight against the belief in the necessity of marriage than to recognise their gender identity and gender orientation. In some cases, they mix up with these ideas, creating more pressure.

Some of her lesbian friends are going to get married or have been married. ‘When we were students, they all said ‘I just want to marry a girl who I really love’. But now? They just gave up, a date with some guys their parents know and then they got married, saying ‘Well, a man doesn’t lose anything in a marriage’. This whole thing is disgusting, but for me, I can’t really blame them. I know how hard it is to fight against the society and all the people you love.’ Miss Ye sighed with a wry smile: ‘But I will keep moving on. I’m not as desperate as I used to be. After all, if my parents finally decide to punish me for not getting married, I can earn my own living now.’